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WBGO INTERVIEW - DR. KATHY ON PARENTING YOUR TEEN
Please use the the control above to hear Dr. Kathy's interview
QUESTION: My husband and I have completely different parenting styles. If my son doesn't like one answer, he'll simply go to the other parent. How do we overcome this?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: I understand how frustrating this situation can be and it's very common. Our kids are so smart and they are masters of finding loopholes!
To answer your question, it's very important that you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to parenting. It's ok to have different parenting styles, but it's really confusing for a teen when there are two completely different messages being conveyed.
So what I'd suggest is that you and your husband sit down and come up with a list of 5-10 expectations for your son - these should be things you both agree to and think are important. Then, talk about the rewards and consequences your son will earn for meeting - or not meeting - the expectations.
After you and your husband have talked, create a contract - I have a couple of samples on my website that you can us - and present the contract to your son. Ask for his thoughts and input. Once you all agree to the contract, sign in and start to follow it. This will make sure you are all on the same page, everybody will have had a chance to give some input, and the rules are very clear.
Two critical things to keep in mind: (1) your expectations have to be reasonable - your son may not be able to go from a 2.0 GPA to a 4.0 in 2 weeks, but he might be able to bring his grades up to a 3.0 in a month, and (2) you have to be willing to follow the contract, so if your son does as you expect, you have to give him the reward, likewise, if he chooses not to do as you expect, a consequence must follow or the contract will be meaningless.
I hope this helps.
QUESTION: I feel like parents should be friends to their kids, not law enforcement. Is this a good or bad approach to parenting?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: This is such a nice sentiment and I understand where you are coming from, but this is not the best idea.
Kids can make tons of friends, but they only have two parents. So by choosing to be a friend instead of a parent, you're robbing them of the opportunity to have a parent.
Being a parent doesn't mean you need to be a constant disciplinarian or someone who controls your kid every minute of the day. My definition of a really good parent is a person who says "I love you too much to let you do something I think will hurt you and it's my job to protect you and look out for your best interests."
Trust me, your teen really wants you to be their parent. As much as they might tell you otherwise or fight with you, they really want structure, guidance and love.
In my mind, it's not a loving behavior to give up the parent role to try to be a friend. So I'd say, let's keep the sentiment that you love your kid very much and you want them to love you, but let go - perhaps gradually - of the idea that they're only going to love you if you're friends. I promise they'll love you more for being a wonderful parent.
QUESTION: My teenager is completely out of control and just got suspended from school. What do I do now?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: I am sorry to hear that and I work with many families who are in the same situation. The first thing I'd advise you to do is to sit down with your teen and ask what happened? Maybe your teen hates the school, hates a teacher, feels like school is pointless? Maybe your teen was being bullied or hurt at school?
In any case, we need to know what your teen was thinking and feeling before he acted out. Depending on your teen's response, I'd suggest a couple of conversations:
Talk calmly and openly about your expectations - explain to your teen why going to school is important. Listen calmly as your teen talks and try to find some truth - some points you can agree on - as he talks. Validate these points by saying something like, "I totally understand that math is hard, it was hard for me too, and it sounds like your teacher could have handled that situation so much better. However, you are the one I care about and your future is the most important thing to me. What can I help you do to make it better?"
Then help your child figure a way out of this situation - maybe it's just coming up with an action plan for what to do the next time a challenging situation comes up, maybe it's learning better anger control strategies, and help them follow through on the solution. I also think it's appropriate for their to be consequences so that your child does not think that getting suspended is no big deal.
If the situation is more serious, maybe where you suspect drug or alcohol use, you'll need to take some more serious steps and I have some advice about that on my website.
QUESTION: I just got a call from the school counselor about my daughter cutting herself. Does this mean she wants to kill herself?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: No, not necessarily, but it is definitely a very loud cry for attention and one that we need to take very seriously.
Cutting is usually done by people who are feeling sad, angry, or worried and are having trouble getting those feelings out. Sometimes they can't cry, sometimes they can't put their feelings into words, so they cut themselves to let out their feelings. Many teens have told me that the only way they feel alive is to cut themselves because if they're feeling pain, that's better than feeling nothing.
If your daughter is cutting herself, I really think you need to sit down and have a very honest conversation with her where you say, "I love you so much and I am really worried about you. I would do anything to help you and I want to ask you a question: do you ever think about suicide?"
It's not very subtle, but it's really important to ask. Sometimes we worry that if we ask, we're going to be planting an idea in their heads, but that's very rarely the case. So I'd ask and take it from there. If the answer is yes, you need to seek professional help right away; if the answer is no, work together to come up with ways for you to help.
Most people who cut are very embarrassed about talking about it and feel a lot of shame. So talk about this subject gently and tell your daughter that you are not mad, that you understand, but that you love her and want to help - she's too wonderful and special to be hurting herself. She hasn't done anything wrong that she needs to be hurting herself.
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