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WBGO INTERVIEW - DR. KATHY ON RELATIONSHIPS
Please use the the control above to hear Dr. Kathy's interview
QUESTION: I just found out my wife has been having an affair. I don't know whether I should forgive her or leave. How can I make this decision?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: This is so painful, I know how you're feeling and you're not alone. As I mentioned before, this is one of the most common questions I am asked.
Affairs don't have to be the end of a relationship. I know many couples who've worked through them and have stronger relationships as a result.
Affairs can be a wake-up call and can allow your relationship to grow and change, but we must get over the pain and move on to forgiveness. You don't have to forget that this happened, but you do have to be willing to forgive and allow your wife to work to rebuild your trust.
I'd advise you to spend some time alone doing some soul-searching and ask yourself two questions:
1. If we are going to stay together, what would have to change?
2. Are we - both you and your wife - willing and able to make these changes?
If there's room to change and both partners want it, I think there's hope. Any relationship can be made better if both people really want it and are willing to do the work to make it better. I hope this helps.
QUESTION: My husband came home two days ago and announced that he wants a divorce. This came out of left field and I am shocked and stunned, what do I do now?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: This is a really tough situation to be in and I know how painful and hurtful it is.
If it's possible, sit down with your husband and calmly talk about why he feels this way. Really listen and try to find some truth in what he's saying. Even if you don't fully agree with all that he's saying, try to see things through his eyes - maybe you could have been home more? Maybe you could have worked less?
This is not to say that I blame you or think you are responsible for the status of the relationship; rather I want you to get him talking and keep him talking so that you can get as much information as possible.
As you're talking with him, ask if he's willing to do anything to work on the relationship. Maybe he'd be willing to talk to a counselor, someone from your church, or another neutral person you both could confide in?
If he says yes, great, I think you should go see that person as soon as possible.
If he says no, you have some harder things to think about. Do surround yourself with people who love you and things you enjoy, but please don't discuss this situation - at least until you know for sure how things are going to play out - with your kids or family. If you do end up reconciling, you may forgive and forget, but your kids and family won't.
One comforting thing to keep in mind is that you were probably OK before this relationship and you will be OK after this relationship.
QUESTION: I want to throw in the towel on my marriage, but my spouse wants us to try therapy. How could you help us?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: I would start by telling you that I think therapy can make a big difference.
I often describe therapy with the following image: it's as if you're in the ocean and I am on the pier. From where I am standing, I can all sorts of hazards - rocks, sharks, currents - that might be hard for you to see while you're in the water. From my perspective I can guide you through the danger zones.
I work with each couple a little bit differently as each couple is different, but I focus on building new skills and strengthening the connection between both people.
I do believe that any relationship can get better if both people really want it and are willing to work at it.
QUESTION: I've been married for 5 years and things are ho-hum and too predictable. We're too busy to get away, but I know that we need to do something before it rips at the seams. What can I do?
DR. KATHY ANSWERS: The first thing I would advise is to make your relationship a priority. Don't take each other or the relationship for granted. Spend time talking to each other each day or doing an activity where you are really connecting. In this day and age, we're so busy. So maybe your time together has to be somewhat limited, but make the most of it. Turn off the TV, step away from the computer, don't answer the phone - just stop and spend 20 minutes completely focused on the other person.
You can also plan one night a week to be "date night." Hire a babysitter, reschedule what you need to and just spend a couple of quality hours together. This extended time will really help the two of you to connect.
Many couples find that planning an activity together, something they both look forward to, maybe it's planning a vacation, remodeling the bakyard, or taking up an activity they can do together makes them feel connected and better. So you might try joining a book club, a bowling league, a softball team, or taking an art class - anything you both look forward to and want to do together would be great. Thanks for your question, I hope this helps.
QUESTION: I feel like everyone starts in therapy and ends up on some kind of drug. I am not into taking mood-altering medication. What is your opinion about medication?
ANSWER: This is a tough topic and I really respect everyone's feelings about medication. Some people like taking pills, others absolutely don't.
Coming from a scientific background, I have to say that what really convinces me what to believe are the research reports that I read.
In just thinking about antidepressants, one study found that people who took medication and did talk therapy improved much faster than other groups who just took medication or did therapy alone - although the therapy only group had just the same success rate over time.
Another study found that chemical changes in the brain can cause depression and similarly, being depressed can cause chemical changes in the brain. So if there are chemical changes taking place, it seems like medication is appropriate. But taking any medication is something you really need to talk to your medical doctor about.
That said, I've worked with people who've gotten better with and without medication. If someone does not want medication, I never tell them that they should be on it. If I think someone might benefit from medication, I may suggest it, but only if they are feeling really badly or are not getting better as fast as we'd like.
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