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I Really Think I Want A Divorce....
I hear you. I know that few things are more painful than a complicated relationship and I can understand why you’d like to throw in the towel. But before you do, I’d really like to encourage you to try the steps below to see if there's any chance to save your marriage and prevent a divorce.
1. Try a “soft reset”.
Talk with your partner and explain that you’d like to press the reset button on your relationship. Stay together, commit to working on the relationship with help. Focus on rebuilding the relationship slowly; start by being kind, friendly, and having fun with each other. Start working with a couples therapist. Try this step for about 60 days before going on to the next step.
2. Try a “hard reset”.
If the soft reset does not work, consider a hard reset. During a hard reset, you and your partner agree to take a 30 day break from the relationship. One of you should move out to stay with a friend or family member. During these 30 days, you should have very limited phone, email, and personal contact. The goal of this phase is to clarify your feelings. It’s likely that one of two things will happen: you’ll either miss your partner desperately and have a renewed desire to make things better or you’ll feel a sense of relief and know that you’d like to move forward to separation. Based on this feeling, make a decision about whether you are ready to reconcile, or if you need to separate. Also, consider some individual therapy during this step.
3. Try a structured separation.
If the hard reset tells you that the relationship is really over, I suggest a 6 month structured separation. During this time, one of you should move out to a more permanent location, some place you can stay comfortably for at least 6 months. During this time, you should have limited contact and agree to both operate under a set of ground rules. These ground rules can include any rules that both of you feel comfortable (i.e., you pay for both cars, I’ll pay for the utilities, etc…). The one rule I’d like both of you to agree to is to NOT date anyone else during the controlled separation. Go out, have fun, see your friends, but please don’t bring any new person into the relationship. Meet up once a month for a conversation on how things are going, ideally this conversation could happen with your couples therapist. Continue individual therapy during this step.
4. Make your decision – divorce or reconciliation.
If you’ve tried all of the steps above, and they haven’t worked, you have really done everything possible to save the relationship. You have allowed plenty of time for your thoughts and feelings to calm down and improve. You have worked with a couples therapist and an individual therapist. If you’ve done this all, please make your decision without guilt, knowing that you did everything you could to save the marriage. As sad as it is, not all relationships are meant to be forever and sometimes the right thing to do is let go.
I advocate for this process because I want you to be confident in your choice and your decisions. Our feelings and thoughts can change radically in a year and I’d like for you to spend at least a year trying to repair your relationship before choosing divorce. That said, please know that no book, website, or expert should tell you how to live your life. You need to make choices that make you feel good and proud. If in your heart of hearts you know that there is no chance for your relationship to get better, trust yourself, but please deeply consider giving the step method described above a chance to work for you.
I’m here to help.
Warmly,
Dr K
ps. Before making any decisions about where you and your kids should live, please chat with an attorney. I do not know how moving out or coming up with child custody arrangements might affect you or your family if you should end up getting a divorce. Please have this chat with a legal advisor before making any decisions.
pss. If your relationship is violent or abusive, you should NOT go through the steps above. You should work with your counselor or your local domestic violence shelter to determine a safe way for you to leave as soon as possible. If you need help connecting to a shelter, please give me a call and I'll connect you.
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