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MARRIAGE SECRETS - COMMUNICATION MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE
As you change, your relationship needs to adapt - the secrets to a strong and loving relationship are talking and listening.
Secrets to Talking:
1. Say what's on your mind.
Express your concerns, worries, and fears. Problems don't get better if we ignore them
2. Really say what you mean.
Don't hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need.
Hinting statement: "Don't you think it's hot in here?"
Nicely asked statement: "Honey, would you please adjust the AC, I am really hot."
3. Beware of ESP, wishing, and wondering. Don't expect someone to read your mind.
ESP example: "What is he doing over there, doesn't he know I need help!"
Wishing statement: "I sure wish you'd go with me, you know I don't like to go alone."
Wondering statement: "I wonder if you're concerned about the dishes piling up."
4. Say what you want, not what you don't want.
We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them, tell them what you want.
Don't want statement: "I don't want to go to that boring movie."
Do want statement: "I really do want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller."
5. Make requests instead of complaints.
Complaint: "I don't like that outfit you're wearing."
Request: "That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we're going to. I'd feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit."
6. Use gentle, calming, and emotional words.
Inflammatory statement: "Mark, stop driving like a maniac, you're going to get us killed and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!"
Calming statement: "Mark, I'm feeling a little sick, would you please drive more slowly."
7. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person.
Speaking for someone else: "You make me feel unattractive, you never compliment me."
Speaking about yourself: "I feel unattractive. When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you."
8. Use "I" statements.
You statement: "You never help me around the house!"
I statement: "I am really pretty wiped out, would you please help me with the laundry."
9. The magic expression: "When you _____________, I ____________________ ."
This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template about, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.
10. Five things to avoid:
Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner, and/or commanding your partner to do/not do something.
Secrets to Listening:
1. Actively listen.
Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.
2. Instead of saying "but," say "and"
But statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage."
And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."
3. Pay attention to your body language.
4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.
5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.
6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective.
You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.
7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understandbr>
It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.
8. Express empathy.br>
Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content.
For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know."
Want to discover more about my philosophy and approach to marriage counseling?
How can I best assist you?
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LISTEN TO THE RADIO INTERVIEW:
Dr. Kathy Answers Questions About Marriage, Couples Counseling, & Relationships
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| Online Resources and Self-Tests |
Strategies to Improve Your Communication Skills
Breakups and Moving On
Relationships: Check Up or Check Out
What Do You Want From Me Anyway?
Self-Test: How Do You Deal With Conflict?
Self-Test: How Satisfied Are You With Your Relationship?
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| Self-Help Books |
Love Is Never Enough : How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Why Marriages Succeed of Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
How We Choose To Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People-Their Secrets, Their Stories
Fearless Living: Live Without Fear, Love Without Regret
The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook: A Step-by-Step Program for Those Who Are Divorced or Separated
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| Phone Coaching |
No matter how you are feeling now, I guarantee you, you are not alone. Many couples - successful, talented, hard-working, wonderful people like you - feel like they'd like to understand more about what is going on with their relationship and how they can make changes to feel better. If you like the idea of talking privately by phone, this option may be right for you, please click here to learn more or email me to discuss your needs. Or if you feel ready, please feel free to schedule an appointment by clicking on the button below:
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| Individual Counseling |
You may be feeling especially low now and would like to work one-on-one with someone who truly understands how you feel. I understand completely and would be honored to help you connect with someone who is the perfect fit for you, whether that is me or another counselor. Please feel free to call me at 949.222.6688 or email me with your contact information and the best time to reach you. Or if you feel ready, please feel free to schedule an appointment by clicking on the button below:
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