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What can I do to help my marriage and save my relationship?
You're worried about your relationship. Maybe your partner is pulling away, is never home, and you don't know why. Maybe you're fighting so often that you wonder if it's possible to make things better. Perhaps you're scared that things are so bad that your marriage might be over.
Don't give up hope. Any relationship can get better and the important changes that need to happen can start today!
We know a couple of key things about couples who are struggling: (1) they are trapped in a negative cycle, where they seem stuck in the same hurtful spiral, and (2) the key to breaking the cycle is emotion!
The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we're caught in a cycle/spiral. When we're in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back. So we must break the cycle.....
There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:
First, realize that the cycle - not your partner - is the enemy. You are not each other's enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You're both hurt and upset.
Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.
So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.
It's not quite as easy as it sounds, but by knowing this secret, you are much, much closer to making your relationship better. To help you get started with identifying your cycle, I've created the following worksheet and I hope it will help you: Identifying Our Relationship Cycle
After completing the worksheet, I hope you will think about some ways to break your cycle and some ways to bring your partner closer. An idea to get you started is to say something like, "Honey, I have been thinking a lot about what's been going on and I realized we're stuck in a cycle where I _______________________. I wonder if I've made you feel ___________________ and this thought makes me so sad, because I really love you and I want to make things better. I want you to know that I am on your side and I am here for you. How can I help you to feel more comfortable and more loved?"
If you've had a rough night, a bad few days, or a terrible fight, you may be in need of the Couples Crisis Kit. I designed this free kit for couples who are struggling and want to make an immediate and positive change in their relationship. Ideally, you should use it in addition to couples therapy or marriage counseling. Click here for the free Couples Crisis Kit
As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. Please browse through the free articles and advice below; if I may be of service to you, please call me at 949-222-6688. Or if you feel ready, please feel free to schedule an appointment by clicking on the button below:
Click here to read about my philosophy and approach to couples counseling, marriage counseling, and premarital counseling.
Ready to take the next step?
Scroll down to learn about online resources, relationship self-tests, and marriage counseling
| Free Newsletter |
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| Online Resources and Self-Tests |
NEW ARTICLE: Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship
Strategies to Improve Your Communication Skills
What to Do When Your Partner Has Become Your Enemy
The Most Important Argument You'll Ever Have in Your Relationships
Six Ways to Stay Focused on What You Really Want in Your Relationships
You’ve Gotta Get Back in to Get Back Out: Leaving a Relationship Is Hard To Do
Change Your Language, Change Your Relationship: How We Say Things Does Matter
Breakups and Moving On
Relationships: Check Up or Check Out
What Do You Want From Me Anyway?
Self-Test: How Do You Deal With Conflict?
Self-Test: How Satisfied Are You With Your Relationship?
Marriage Counseling Statistics
Marriage Counseling Success Rates - UCLA Study
Questions To Ask A Marriage Therapist
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
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| Self-Help Books |
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
Love Is Never Enough : How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Why Marriages Succeed of Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
How We Choose To Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People-Their Secrets, Their Stories
Fearless Living: Live Without Fear, Love Without Regret
The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook: A Step-by-Step Program for Those Who Are Divorced or Separated
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| Online Relationship Clinic |
Every Monday, I hold a FREE relationship clinic on FeelBetterNetwork.com. FeelBetterNetwork is a confidential website and is the premier online emotional health resource. I am proud to be affiliated with Feel Better Network because it is a comfortable, safe environment for members to discuss their challenges, chat with others going through the same things, and get tips and tools from professionals. If you like the idea of talking anonymously to professionals like me and community members who know how you feel, this option may be right for you, please click here to learn more or here to become a member. Membership is absolutely free and I am the featured expert every Tuesday.
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| Phone Coaching |
No matter how you are feeling now, I guarantee you, you are not alone. Many couples - successful, talented, hard-working, wonderful people like you - feel like they'd like to understand more about what is going on with their relationship and how they can make changes to feel better. If you like the idea of talking privately by phone, this option may be right for you, please click here to learn more or email me to discuss your needs. Or if you feel ready, please feel free to schedule an appointment by clicking on the button below:
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| Individual Counseling |
You may be feeling especially low now and would like to work one-on-one with someone who truly understands how you feel. I understand completely and would be honored to help you connect with someone who is the perfect fit for you, whether that is me or another counselor. Please feel free to call me at 949.222.6688 or email me with your contact information and the best time to reach you.
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